All Meat. Real Fire. No Filter.
My time line goes deep. I need my readers to remember all of this is in the past. I will not leave anything out. Things in this time line: some of it will be hard for y'all to wrap your minds around. If you know me and you've known me in person and there's something's in my blog you don't agree with. Be civil: We will just agree to disagree. This is a place where I'm going to be open and honest so I can move on and move forward.
2017:
My son Wesley was born August 2017, we were rushed to 3 different hospitals (that part was all very blurry, considering it was 3 am when we finally landed at a children's hospital). I was so foggy and emotional I couldn't listen to anything any one said. I wasn't done holding my baby, I felt so whole with my son before all of the rushing. All I remember being was super shaky, In thought I had already lost my son that I only got to hold for a few hours before all of this. *I can't remember all of this, this night I didn't want to remember.* I could do nothing but cry about how we didn't get the professional baby pictures that I wanted so bad before he turned different colors because he almost wasn't breathing. That the fact I didn't have very many pictures saved in my phone because I was to weak and worn out for pictures. I was in labor from 8 pm on the 21st till 12:30 on 22nd. I think I only had about 5 so far, possibly. I didn't want to hear anything except for my baby crying. Then 7 days later he got heart surgery, I did not get to hold him again till the day of surgery. I held him on a pillow by myself with classical music on playing from the speaker of my phone. I held him for hours, didn't want to stop looking at him, so didn't look away. I remember at this my neck was sort of burning at this time because I wasn't about to miss a single movement of his. I kept tracing my finger on his chucky new born checks, I dreamt of doing that for 9 months.
Bitter Sweet Advice:
Saying goodbye and hello when spending time with your loved one before any life or death surgery is very important. You want to say goodbye first so you start the ending with hello. Hello at the ending can create and manifest so many beautiful chapters for you with that loved one.
This is the one thing so many people with loved ones in these situations never talk about — and it needs to be spoken about raw. Ain't no body trained a first time mother for that.
The room that I held him in.
My waiting room opinions:
- Any coffee dispenser is good. Look for a free coffee area.
- Look for an "away area / quiet place" but have your area be viewable or quick to get to.
- You need people there with you.
- Breathe when someone says breath, I know... annoying. Trust me... do it.
- Try to let yourself walk around.
- Bring a note book, I didn't use it, it was a security thing.
- Bring the bible and sticky notes for your pages.
- In a children's hospital I have seen the bible be very present.
2017- 2018
2017: I had a drug over dose on Paxil. I over dosed on more than half of the bottle, I heard. I was taking the Paxil but not by the bottle label (too much to put in the blog here), maybe I was taking that every 3 to 4 hours a day and night or more. I was lucky to be alive and recover as quickly as I did. That was my very first rehab stay #1. My son was about 7 months old. **I don't think I could pump anymore milk out, because of the stress I was under. It dried up and I felt useless. (My son didn't have the chance to latch, with all of the wires.)
2017 - 2018 Got a prescription for Gabapentin 100 mgs 3 times a day. With my bad habit I was 4 times a day and sometimes I took 200 mgs a time. Not that, that is bad but, there. Next I got more gabapentin at 300 mgs. I went by the bottle and then I bumped up to 600 mgs a night, that created the evil dreams and the random nightmare scream attacks. I think I was on and off pills for anxiety, that would be a long list to put on here. Rotation after rotation, non of them worked but I took them, because I liked pills that put me to sleep.
2017 - 2018
2019 - 2020
2018-2019 I failed being on keto when I met my ex. All we did was go and be foodies together. My head goes dumb when I think I am in love, but I also had some major PTSD that needed further work on. I broke up with that man in the worst way possible, I blamed him. No positive mindset or no trained mindset at all when I broke up with my ex. I'll learn. I've learned.
2020: I did a little bit of keto, then I failed miserably. I did not get back up for a very long time. That took a massive dark toll on my mental health and how I treated myself. They're was for sure a mental hospital stay that year too.
2021 - 2022
2021: I don't remember 2021. I know I made 3 friends, and a I got introduced into a discord chat through the ex female friend, that was fun. I do not talk to that discord group anymore. They were great for the time that we we're there for each other. One gentlemen (not apart of discord) I still think about him and maybe will text him once in a blue moon if he is doing okay. Oh yeah, I worked for a grocery store. I wasn't on any sort of way of eating yet. The grocery store was good and bad for me. I worked there till 2022. Then I had arehab stay #3, I got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Didn't even tell my mother, didn't tell my mother till 2025.
2022-2023: One of those 3 friends of mine we got to know each other really well... it was fake romance. Let's put it that way. Then I found the Peterson family, I thank the lord for each of them every day. I stopped seeing that one fake romance I had cold turkey. Then I think we ran into each other randomly, I almost tried him again. I faked that I needed to go to my therapy appointment. I got the hell out of there before things happened. I got the guts to leave immediately because I just kept hearing Jordan B. Peterson in my head shout in my head RESPECT YOURSELF. Can't really do much other than listen to him, I am really addicted to listing to his wise words now. The man who is Jordan B. Peterson is so much more to me than some guy on the internet believing in good morals. I needed a father figure, I had plenty to choose from on the internet. Jordan, wears beautiful suits and loves his wife and children and is a man of his word. I watched an interview with him and his whole family. I fell in love with them, I wanted that for myself one day and I still do.
2023
2023: I quit a really "good" wear house job. It only paid me good. That was that. I did try the carnivore diet but I did more keto-vore.
*On that interview: I was watching them just have a quality good time with each other and having normal noise level conversations. I don't even think I was listening to what they were saying. I was in awe at the way they up held their ways to talk about things and they were laughing with each other too. It was Ep 259 on Jordan's podcast. That's the day where I felt the demanding need to put every word in to action that, that man says. Or else I knew I going to do something stupid again and die from it. The Peterson's are from God's own soul. Jordan's soul has warmed mine into something I can't even fathom. I'm happy without a cause because they helped me find who I can be and who I am becoming. I want more words for the day I met them, I know I'm just going to end up happy crying. I need a hug and a family picture. Whatever they'll say to me, that'll be for my heart and no one else's.
2024
Not sure what happened here, I'm sure it was when I would cheat on gluten and other junk food. I was no where near a good loyal carnivore for my first two years. This was the worst swell. Happened in 2024
The first time that swelling happened, still not sure what caused this. Happened in 2024.
I would rarely take off my head phones back then.
This was the childish collection that i finally got rid of this year.
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2024: This rehab stay #4 I tried to jump off a bridge at 4 am in pitch black morning darkness. I didn't even get close to the bridge. I was on my way to stand on the ledge of it. A man out of no where grabs me with full force. Force that'll I'll never forget. He through me back into the driver set and shouted angry like with his stern pointer finger at me DO BETTER. My right side was a little bruised from hitting what I did when I got thrown into my car. I said to myself, keep the bruise you deserve it. Then I calmed down and looked around for the man. All I saw was a semi truck going down the road. I don't know what he looked like till this day. People are here for everyone through God, more than not through God. Every single time someone has been there. Whether I liked it or not. That was October 29th, 2024 I hadn't slept for 78 hours in counting when I was brought by ambulance to another rehab stay. I went off the rails from the carnivore diet. Then had to pick it back up again. I don't even remember how I got to the rehab center. I know they shot me with liquid of something and I slept through some heavy emergency room chaos. So heavy asleep, I think that I had to be observed with an individual nurse. I remember watching and leaving the television permanently on boomerang TV, that always puts me to sleep. After I woke up I downed 8 peanut butter jiff cups, and banana (which I don't like banana's one bit), saltines probably a whole sleeve in the 2 packs, then I was way too excited for hospital breakfast food. Then I told them to label me as a celiac, that worked for the actual rehab place that I went up to. I hadn't ate in 4 days, living on diet pop. They kept the peanut butter cups going, I kept my spoon and turned on black and white movies. Wanted to doodle tried but was too shaky. Then a whole day and night I got moved to a room upstairs at 12 am.
I told myself out loud in a very angry tone "You fuck head this is the last time you'll get into rehab." Was it..... no.
2024: Medication list. Abilify, Gabapentin 100 mgs 4x a day sometimes I took 200 mgs a 4x a day, Gabapentin 300 mgs but I took 600 mgs a night with 2 over the counter Benadryl, I went through a whole pack a Benadryl in under a month. At this time I was trying to stay on carnivore, I was on and off. Like I said not a perfect carnivore. I did end up stopping the Abilify in 2024, I couldn't stop crying. I remember that my mother asked me to hand her the tongs that were on the counter and I was sobbing so bad because of the tongs on the counter. Now I writing this it is hilarious. Abilify was the hardest to get off of, I think I just went cold turkey after only a week of a lower dose. I was dose, crying about nothing. My son is the one who had to suffer through that. I really hope he won't remember how I was. I felt like I wasn't good for him. No, not good enough for him... just not good for him. That is heart shattering every time I think about what I was going through around him. That'll be another possible page.
The Abilify made me do weird ass things like this childish collection, I was in my 30's collecting this and I knew I was weird to the point where these things were an obsession:
2025
2024 - 2025: rehab stay #5 I do not talk with anyone about this rehab stay #5. This was the 3rd time I got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. This time I denied it. I know how clear my head gets I told them, it's almost like I am a normal human. I wanted to tell them the truth, I told them the truth about my carnivore journey. I also added: might as well swallow M&M's everyday at 6 am and say those work too. I literally told those doctors I am going to do take care of this by being on carnivore. I was kicked out so quickly that afternoon. Not jack shit happens that fast in a rehab hospital ever. I stayed from January 31st - February 2nd, 2025. I also got prescribed Invega/Palindrome that is a schizophrenia type of medication it numbs you. That medication made my whole body feel as if I was very pregnant, I had high emotions too. I cried hours and hours every day that I was on that medication.
I've been doing carnivore very hard core right now. I did slip up on July 4th, 2025 that was hell. Got back up, that's what matters.
2025
Started the lions diet!
January 2nd, 2026 is the start date!
The goal while doing carnivore was to eventually be on the lions diet as much as possible. Last year I did the lions diet near my cycle and amped up the beef fat. That'd lasted about 4 days ish each cycle. To help myself achieve this I weened off of the bacon. Stopped eating cream and berries cold turkey, that was a must. Backed off of the butter a bit, and no allulose, no more zero sweeteners here and there either. On this 7 day of the lions diet journey I finally got rid of diet pop, I haven't had any diet pop for 2 days as of (1/7/26). I'm not craving any dairy at this time, or berries, or allulose sweetened things. I do have black coffee, coffee is life right now. Benefit: Everything is way less food noise right now.
Showing off my mane!
I started drawing and and I drew this one during a YT live.
January Updates:
- Lions diet.
- Getting the house camera ready.
- Get a work from home job/career.
- Do more art.
- Read more books with vocabulary.
- Have Wesley be more in tune to his routine.
January / February outcomes:
Updated: 2/23/202:
- Getting so close to a remote job.
- Prays have been answered.
- Got the kitchen camera ready!!
- Doing little pieces of art here and there.
- Reading Far from the Madding Crowd. Next book is Half His Age, by Jennette McCurdy.
- Made Wesley a small chart for the mornings.
- Doing random lives again, will eventually get a routine with YouTube, things are beginning to be promising.