Doing things for yourself to prove that you have discipline is great. The way the your discipline will give you relief, relief is something that no one can take away from you. I'm wanting relief so I don't have anymore suicidal thoughts. Not gonna lie they are still thick. Doesn't make any since why I have them. There can always be 2 sides to things with the suicidal thoughts. Maybe I'm not going to ever really admit what I need to. God only knows what that is. That's that post. 

Yes, I wanted to be down to weight this year. I usually get what I want. I'll tell myself this, I'll be very close to my goal weight because I want that. I want that because I need to treat myself with more respect. If I have more respect for myself: something that I have been reaching for might come to light. God knows what that is. I'll know what that certain thing is when it's here. Back story, I didn't think  having any respect for my body was important. I wanted to die 24/7 so didn't I care about giving my body the care that I needed. Matter of fact, I haven't been loyal to my thyroid medication for lets face it... for fucking years. I thought not taking my thyroid medication would make my death quicker. That lasted for over 6 1/2 years, I think maybe I even did that to myself before Wesley, on purpose. My memories are shot, so I am not confident when it comes to telling my timeline. I'm almost nervous to even talk about my own history my brain has given it's self a "coping"/distraction strategy to almost forgetting the question that was just asked. Every time, specially if the question was about something like the was the worst... It was like I would get so scared then I shut down. There's less of that now thanks to carnivore. To dive into some things you ought to know about me here's the interview that I had done with one of my very favorite carnivores. A lot of this post will be somewhat in the interview.

Douglas J. Anderson / O'lander has passed away. He was from Winnipeg, Canada and Minnesota. Now the whole world can have a very large sigh of relief. He was my father. I lived with him when I was an infant, he gave me up, then I met him when I was 21 for a few hours. Douglas was touched with something heart breaking that took over his soul and he let the evil create who he was. He was evil and thankfully I barley endured him. All I want to do is take my (half) siblings pain away that he gave them. I don't have to worry about that anymore because now he has been cremated and been left were he got scorched into ashes. Selected this picture because this is him alone. Now my siblings can finally... and I'm praying that they move on. That is all on this evil person, he was no man. P.S. Thank you for giving me up, Doug. I'm praying that Doug finds enough peace to lay in the dirt quietly. 

For @ChargerMopar aka Duck Man. This is Milton and Ricks Meal with his iconic mic. 

I just had the most refreshing conversation with a gal that was chatting with me at the library. This conversation was so good, she was commenting on my skin. My skin is red and a little rash like right now. Then I think she mentioned tallow! Next conversation was that she is interested in the keto and carnivore information. I whipped out my what I call "the carnivore bible" aka Courtney Luna's - Carnivore in the Kitchen cook book. That gal was fascinated, then she brought up how her son was doing keto and the age her son was, was 62 years old. Guys!! She's 80 something years old, she looks 62!! She's got goldy blonde hair and blue eyes, good skin, she glows with her positive vibes. Then we talking about our thyroids, so I got whip out another carnivore cook book, her eyes lit up. I grabbed Jenny Mitich's - Complete Carnivore. I was so excited to have a decently long chat about keto and carnivore, after we got done chatting because it was her turn do get taxes done I had to brag about the wonderful conversation to my bestie Candi. I went in the back section of the library to leave Candi an exciting voicemail on messenger. Wow, that was the reason to go to the library today and get out of the house, all worth it. 

What has happened since the 15th... lots. 

Manifesting the best of things. 

I've decided to change my name to just @Helix_refined-fire. I was tired of having the carnivore or lions diet label. My YouTube isn't all about carnivore food. To me I can only talk about the food I inhale so much. I actually talk about the food very little, unless asked. I'm not gonna waste my breath. My page is more for support for your positive mindset, being honest with yourself whether you like it or not. Whether you like or not, I'll elaborate: If you like those things you have make the best you got with what ever those are. If you don't like your certain thing that you've been negative on the most, throw it away or refine it so you do like it. Hence my word refined, refining has many levels and depth. Next there's the fire which I have been through, now I'm just walking on my embers from that fire. Some embers are hotter than others and may burn my feet once and a while. I heal so fast from the hotter embers now, that's a fact. The fire which I went through, I wouldn't change, can't change, the spit fire rose and left. I'm still here, I made the fire leave, I had to make the pain leave. Sure, some pain still lingers, I can walk all over that too. There's something different this with me  this year and I think it is the embers beneath, they're tolerable. They're replaceable with the me myself and I. Replaceable with what again, you ask? Just my soul, my feet won't walk on anything like that again if I can help it. 

Happy Valentines day guys, I try not to dwell in the "I'm single Valentines day gloom". I know why I'm single, it is on purpose. Ain't no body need this (less of a wreck but if I'm being honest... still a wreck) wreck right now. I do have a crush (ish) on a carnivore but I barley know him so that's why I say ish. Every time I have a crush or I admit they're cute they're also taken. It's normal, it's Gods way of telling me I'm close to being ready, but not ready yet. Today for my Valentines to myself: I made my favorite dish from my favorite carnivore's book. I filmed making the tuna melt patties. They were amazing. Tonight for dinner I made Spam and egg yolks. Wesley's grandma took him to Ihop in the morning, then they shopped for shoes. I have had the whole house to myself for most of the day. Wesley is with his cousins for a sleepover for their Valentines party. Now it is time to do some more relaxing. Hope y'all had a wonderful Valentines day. 

Restarting the Lions Diet,