Raw Meat. Real Fire. No Filter.

My time line goes deep. I need my readers to remember all of this is in the past. I will not leave anything out. Things in this time line: some of it will be hard for y'all to wrap your minds around. If you know me and you've known me in person and there's something's in my blog you don't agree with. Be civil: We will just agree to disagree. This is a place where I'm going to be open and honest so I can move on and move forward.

**I will keep adding to this timeline.**

2017:

My son Wesley was born August 2017, we were rushed to 3 different hospitals (that part was all very blurry, considering it was 3 am when we finally landed at a children's hospital). I was so foggy and emotional I couldn't listen to anything any one said. I wasn't done holding my baby, I felt so whole with my son before all of the rushing. All I remember being was super shaky, In thought I had already lost my son that I only got to hold for a few hours before all of this. *I can't remember all of this, this night I didn't want to remember.* I could do nothing but cry about how we didn't get the professional baby pictures that I wanted so bad before he turned different colors because he almost wasn't breathing. That the fact I didn't have very many pictures saved in my phone because I was to weak and worn out for pictures. I was in labor from 8 pm on the 21st till 12:30 on 22nd. I think I only had about 5 so far, possibly. I didn't want to hear anything except for my baby crying. Then 7 days later he got heart surgery, I did not get to hold him again till the day of surgery. I held him on a pillow by myself with classical music on playing from the speaker of my phone. I held him for hours, didn't want to stop looking at him, so didn't look away. I remember at this my neck was sort of burning at this time because I wasn't about to miss a single movement of his. I kept tracing my finger on his chucky new born checks, I dreamt of doing that for 9 months.

Bitter Sweet Advice: 

Saying goodbye and hello when spending time with your loved one before any life or death surgery is very important. You want to say goodbye first so you start the ending with hello. Hello at the ending can create and manifest so many beautiful chapters for you with that loved one.  

This is the one thing so many people with loved ones in these situations never talk about — and it needs to be spoken about raw. Ain't no body trained a first time mother for that. 

The room that I held him in. 

My waiting room opinions: 

  • Any coffee dispenser is good. Look for a free coffee area.
  • Look for an "away area / quiet place" but have your area be viewable or quick to get to. 
  • You need people there with you.
  • Breathe when someone says breath, I know... annoying. Trust me... do it. 
  • Try to let yourself walk around. 
  • Bring a note book, I didn't use it, it was a security thing. 
  • Bring the bible and sticky notes for your pages. 
  • In a children's hospital I have seen the bible be very present. 

2017- 2018

2017: I had a drug over dose on Paxil. I over dosed on more than half of the bottle, I heard. I was taking the Paxil but not by the bottle label (too much to put in the blog here), maybe I was taking that every 3 to 4 hours a day and night or more. I was lucky to be alive and recover as quickly as I did. That was my very first rehab stay #1. My son was about 7 months old. **I don't think I could pump anymore milk out, because of the stress I was under. It dried up and I felt useless. (My son didn't have the chance to latch, with all of the wires.) 

2017 - 2018 Got a prescription for Gabapentin 100 mgs 3 times a day. With my bad habit I was 4 times a day and sometimes I took 200 mgs a time. Not that, that is bad but.., there. Next I got more gabapentin at 300 mgs. I went by the bottle and then I bumped up to 600 mgs a night, that created the evil dreams and the random nightmare scream attacks. I think I was on and off pills for anxiety, that would be a long list to put on here. Rotation after rotation, non of them worked but I took them, because I liked pills that put me to sleep.  

2017 - 2018 There I am. 

2019 - 2020

2018-2019 I failed being on keto when I met my ex. All we did was go and be foodies together. My head goes dumb when I think I am in love, but I also had some major PTSD that needed further work on. I broke up with that man in the worst way possible, I blamed him. No positive mindset or no trained mindset at all when I broke up with my ex. I'll learn. I've learned. 

2020: I did a little bit of keto, then I failed miserably. I did not get back up for a very long time. That took a massive dark toll on my mental health and how I treated myself. They're was for sure a mental hospital stay that year too. 

2021 - 2022 

2021: I don't remember 2021. I know I made 3 friends, and a I got introduced into a discord chat through the ex female friend, that was fun. I do not talk to that discord group anymore. They were great for the time that we we're there for each other. One gentlemen (not apart of discord) I still think about him and maybe will text him once in a blue moon if he is doing okay. Oh yeah, I worked for a grocery store. I wasn't on any sort of way of eating yet. The grocery store was good and bad for me. I worked there till 2022. Then I had a rehab stay #3, I got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Didn't even tell my mother, didn't tell my mother till 2025.

 

2022-2023: One of those 3 friends of mine we got to know each other really well... it was fake romance. Let's put it that way. Then I found the Peterson family, I thank the lord for each of them every day. I stopped seeing that one fake romance I had cold turkey. Then I think we ran into each other randomly, I almost tried him again. I faked that I needed to go to my therapy appointment.  I got the hell out of there before things happened. I got the guts to leave immediately because I just kept hearing Jordan B. Peterson in my head shout in my head RESPECT YOURSELF. Can't really do much other than listen to him, I am really addicted to listing to his wise words now. The man who is Jordan B. Peterson is so much more to me than some guy on the internet believing in good morals. I needed a father figure, I had plenty to choose from on the internet. Jordan, wears beautiful suits and loves his wife and children and is a man of his word. I watched an interview with him and his whole family. I fell in love with them, I wanted that for myself one day and I still do. 

2023 

2023: I quit a really "good" wear house job. It only paid me good. That was that. I did try the carnivore diet but I did more keto-vore. 

*On that interview: I was watching them just have a quality good time with each other and having normal noise level conversations. I don't even think I was listening to what they were saying. I was in awe at the way they up held their ways to talk about things and they were laughing with each other too. It was Ep 259 on Jordan's podcast. That's the day where I felt the demanding need to put every word in to action that, that man says. Or else I knew I going to do something stupid again and die from it. The Peterson's are from God's own soul. Jordan's soul has warmed mine into something I can't even fathom. I'm happy without a cause because they helped me find who I can be and who I am becoming. I want more words for the day I met them, I know I'm just going to end up happy crying. I need a hug and a family picture. Whatever they'll say to me, that'll be for my heart and no one else's. 

Our history

From modest beginnings, we've grown through unwavering dedication and a commitment to continuous improvement. Each step has reinforced our core belief in the power of collaboration and the importance of integrity. We're passionate about what we do, and we're excited to share our story with you.